Kirstin’s blog

I don’t pretend to have anything interesting to say…

A List Of Things I Am Not Ashamed To Admit To The Internet August 6, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 5:22 pm

1) I’m not a real blonde. Well, I’m a real blonde but it’s a really dark, unattractive shade of blonde. More like a light brown or what some might refer to as “dirty blonde”. I do NOT like to refer to it as such because it suggest that my hair is unclean. Which it is. Frequently. But that’s not the reason it’s the colour that it is.

2) I have peed all over my bathroom floor (I was pregnant with Julian, throwing up into the toilet and the pee just couldn’t wait any longer) (is this one better without the explanation? Is it more interesting not to KNOW why I peed on the bathroom floor? Cuz I’ll take it out. You let me know, Internet).

3) I peed the bed once as an adult and NOT because I was pregnant but because I was drunk. That’s pretty drunk.

4) I stole a can of tuna from a grocery store the other day. I had a diaper bag in my cart and genuinely didn’t see the can of tuna when I was putting all my stuff on the conveyor belt but then I DID notice it and yet I didn’t put it on the conveyor belt I just left it and looked around whistling and getting ready to grab Jules and make a run for it if the check-out lady discovered that I was committing a heinous crime but she didn’t notice and so I took my bags and then beelined out of the grocery store. CAN OF TUNA – STOLEN! KA-CHING! But why? Why did I do this? A can of tuna costs what? …no seriously, what? I have no idea. $1? $2? WHAT!? For a can of tuna? That’s obscene. I’m stealing ALL my tuna from now on.

5) I feel very little shame while wearing short pants (a.k.a., shpants) having not shaved my legs in a very long time.

6) I have a habit of starting projects I don’t finish (please see my poor son’s blog that has been NEGLECTED for the past year or so. But seriously, if I was still in charge of taking pictures of him I think there would be a lot more to write about but the husband? Not so good with the picture taking. It’s all his fault and I revoke this entry from the list… Yet I will not add another one to the bottom of the list to make up for it because this list is ridiculous and getting very boring very quickly).

7) I once ate an entire tub of Hagen Daas ice cream in one sitting and I wasn’t pregnant nor was I drunk. I could do it again, too. Try me.

8 ) I occasionally talk to my own body parts out loud as if they are my friends (and by “occasionally” I mean all the time).

9) I am convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that my in-laws hate me and talk about me in front of my face in another language and may be plotting my death and thus I plan to LEARN this language and not tell them EVER that I have learned it so that I can hear all the things that are being said (and psych out any death plotting, naturally) and one day when we’re all very old I’ll confront them and deliver a KICK ASS speech, kind of like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction all, “AND I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE…” in perfect Korean and then I’ll laugh and taunt them and plot their deaths… ah who are we kidding? I’ll never learn Korean. I’ll start to learn it and then I’ll get bored and/or distracted (see #6 BEFORE it was revoked) and nothing will come of it… But they hate me. For sure.

10) I used to have recurring dreams about my teeth falling out, like ALL THE TIME but in writing this I suddenly realized that I haven’t had one of those dreams in a very very long time. Interesting. Blogs are CHEAPER THAN THERAPY PEOPLE AND THEY DO CURE ALL ILLS. I’m HEALED! BA GOLLY I CAN SEE! PRAISE THE LAWD!

This is ridiculous. I’m done with this list. C’mon feet, let’s go home.

 

This just in… August 5, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 9:43 am

Thursday was a guy’s last day here – we was leaving to “pursue other opportunities” (i.e., breeding alpacas in the foothills of the Andes. Or at least if I were going to mysteriously pursue other opportunities that’s what I’d tell everyone I was doing…) so they had a little shin-dig with booze & chips and that’s about as far as I got before I thought, “What the hell am I still doing here? I can GO HOME” and I left.

Well, enter Tuesday morning and what do I find when I go to the kitchen to deposit my lunch? A BARELY TOUCHED cake – the kind with the cheap, greasy icing that I love. HELL YA you better believe I ate 5-day-old cake for breakfast. This is shaping up to be a great 4-day week.

 

A Message from Davey & Goliath July 31, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 4:11 pm

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, why is this blog so effing boring? Even for two church-going losers like us it’s gotten pretty boring. It’s never updated and when she does post it’s pretty incoherent.

DAVEY: Goliath, you know that God doesn’t like it when we say mean things about other people’s blogs. And especially since we’re standing right in front of the church you probably shouldn’t be pointing out how lame this blog is. Let’s sing Kumbaya instead…”

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, you’re almost as bad as this blog. Don’t be surprised if you find a steaming pile of dogshit on your bed tonight

DAVEY: Goliath! Is that any way to talk to your best friend?

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, don’t you know by now I was only hanging out with you to get on tv? I was hoping to parlay this into a leading role in something cool like a K-9 cop show or some kind of doggie-salon extreme makeover

DAVEY: Goliath. I can’t lie to you. I’m very hurt.

GOLIATH: Yeeeeaah, well, you know what? I’ve had enough of you, your f*cking hard hair and pants that are conspicuously flat in the front, I’ve had enough of God and church and singing and all this bullshit. And most of all I’ve had enough of this blog. Peace out loooooosers.

(goliath walks away)

DAVEY: I’m feeling a strange emotion. I’m not sure what it is. But I can feel it welling up inside me…

* * * * * *

DAVEY: You mutherf*cking cocksucking shithead god damn…

INNOCENT BLOND HAIRED KID: mmmmphrumphghdled HELP mmmrmpth

 

The Weekend July 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 3:18 pm

No update yesterday – sorry, I had to make up for the fact that I ditched my job last week like an ugly prom date by doing some “work” and stuff. Lots of important fake meetings and typing and pretend-filing… busy busy busy.

But I’m back! And how was the trip to Great Wolf Lodge you ask? Meh. It was alright. My GAWD was it ever American (I don’t mean that in a bad way… liiiiiike, American is good… Hip-hip-hooray, three cheers for America! Please don’t declare war on us America. We love you) but it was just loud and over the top and had singing mooses and bears and shit all over the place. Which, in actual fact, is pure genius cuz the kids would have spent the entire weekend listening to the talking, singing woodland creatures if we’d let them so those loud, over-the-top Americans do know a thing or two about entertaining kids.

We all slept in one big room together – to clarify that includes: me, my husband, my 2-yr-old, my sister-in-law, her 3-yr-old, my OTHER sister-in-law, her 4-yr-old and 7-yr-old and my mother in law. Ya, that’s a lotta people in one room. Oh, and did I mention the 3-year-old had a fever? And cried um pretty much the whole time? And my mother-in-law brought with her a rice cooker the size of hot-tub and we all huddled around it and ate meals for free in our room (no shit) (I’m sure it was against the rules of the hotel so shhhh don’t tell them or they’ll soooo sic a bounty-hunter raccoon or angry squirrel on us. It’s that kinda place)

Jules went on the little-people waterslides a few time but more than anything he really just wanted to splash around in the shallow water and I couldn’t help but feel haunted by the fact that we could have found the same level of entertainment at ANY PUBLIC PARK IN TORONTO WITH A WADING POOL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF FREE but whatever. Then we went to do a little cross-border shopping (some brands are wicked expensive in Korea, apparently, like Polo for example, and thus the sister-in-law from Korea went hog wild snatching up $20 polo shirts at the outlet mall like free Avent No-BPA sippy cups (did I ever mention this to y’all? Please pardon the digression: Avent was offering a promotion of 2 free sippy cups to anyone who called in between certain dates to make up for all the BPAs they’d been leaching to our babies over the past several years and I guess they grossly underestimated how kookoobananas mamas go over free shit and got waaaaay more people calling than expected but they still have to honour it and send us all our free stuff – suckas. Someone at Avent’s getting fired fer sure but meanwhile I have a Purolator package just waiting to be picked up. YEEEHAW FREE STUUUUUUFFF! BTW it does sooo make up for any BPAs Jules ingested heretofore. BPA-sphmeePA send me more stuff for freeeeee!) Anyhoo, where was I? Ah yes, the outlet mall. Have I mentioned that Julian’s turned into a bit of a crazy persona lately and is doing some very unpleasant things like throwing toys when he’s frustrated with them and hitting whatever is in his general vicinity when he gets angry? (it’s usually a wall or a table and it hurts him more than anything and thus I was hoping the problem would just kind of take care of itself but it seems toddlers, unlike lab rats, will continue to exhibit behaviours even when they have learned that said behaviours cause them immediate pain. Interesting) Ya so it’s nice. Good times. And I’m sending out Naughty Step passes like there’s no tomorrow and while we were in Old Navy Jules happened to get a little angry and HIT ME for the very first time and so I marched him out of the store and told him to sit against the Old Navy store window and not move and I walked a little ways away and sat on a bench and pretended to ignore him while he bawled and bawled but then people kept passing by and thinking he was lost and I had to shoo them off and explain that he was not lost just a bit of a dramatic toddler a**hole and he kept refusing to apologize and it took AGES for him to finally hyperventilate out an “I’m-hic-sorry-hic-for-hic-hitting-hic-you-hic-mommmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee” which was just as well because we had no money to spend on clothes in an outlet mall so it was kind of fun creating a dam into Old Navy by setting up the Naughty Step Tableau Picture Window…

Anyway, the weekend was full of:

1) lots of waterslides (YAY!)

2) lots of crying (BOO)

3) lots of happy, frolicking by Jules (YAY!)

4) lots of naughty steps and angry-mom-voice (BOO)

5) lots of eating of m&ms & Doritos (YAY!)

6) lots of running around in public in a bathing suit (BOO)

(this last was much harder on the general public than it was on me since I couldn’t actually see myself)

We did manage to spring for some winter jammies for Jules at Carter’s because they are my absolute favourite of all the fuzzy footie pajamas and will force Julian to wear them until he is 17 because no matter what he just looks so cute and little and cuddly while wearing them. In fact, I’ll force him into them when we get home even if it’s 35 degrees in our apartment and take a pic so you can all share in the cute-osity.

 

I want to eat a panda… is that wrong? July 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 10:48 pm

Okay, so earlier today I got an email from one of my most hilarious friends who also tends to occasionally blindside me with a thought-provoking globally-responsible Forward (gawd, thinking about other people is so exhausting and stuff) so this one said something about China and Earthquake and Pandas and I thought “Fan-flimn-flamin-tastic, is this going to be pictures of devasated Panda families mourning the loss of their Panda relatives who, naturally, would be depicted in a bloody Panda massacre trapped under a fallen great wall or some Panda-loving crap?” and of course I opened it immediately and… oh my… what a pleasant surprise when it turned out to be…

This guy! All, “why ya gots ta get all up in my grill when I’m still lookin for closure on that whole earthquake fiasco?”

And these two who are just “*gasp* …omigod… *gasp* …solid ground… *gasp* …no quaking… *gasp* …thank f*cking god… hey, is that a rocking horse?”

Not to mention: “wwwwhhhhoooooaaaaa fellas, this your bamboo shoot? I-I-I just lookin fuh somethin ta eat post-quake ya know?”

Anyway, I’d forgotten just how cute Pandas really are and so because I think we’re just soooo effing hilarious I’ll share with you the email that came to pass between this particular friend and myself

HILARIOUS FRIEND: <<sends Panda email>>

KIRSTIN: Omg seriously, how did pandas get to be so cute? They must have sucked some serious evolutionary cock to get that cute

HILARIOUS FRIEND: they’re so cute because motherf*ckingnature had to attract us to them somehow… have you ever had a pandaburger? Can you say YUUUUMMMMMMMY?

KIRSTIN: I don’t know about no pandaburgers but I would KILL for some moo shu panda right now (they are Chinese you know) 

HILARIOUS FRIEND: You know what’s not all that far from China? India. I’m sooo going out for panda masala today at lunch

…and so on and so forth, you get the gist… wait, what was the point? I really don’t remember… and I’ve just realized that I’m a 30-something-year-old woman with a blog on which I post pics of cute fuzzy animals and I think that means I deserve to die in a blazing inferno… inside a walmart… wearing a Garfield sweatshirt…. If you’ll excuse me I have to go throw myself off my balcony onto a bed of knives and torches.

 

Uh-oh

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 1:03 pm

Only 10 minutes until I have to leave for an offsite meeting for the rest of the afternoon and I still have to squeeze in a blog because I promised, I PROMISED! (how excited am I for afternoon offsite? You know why? Why? What it is that overshadows my every move and hangs over my life like a blackcloud? that’s right – TIMESHEETS! An offsite for the afternoon is an easy few hours that I’m not going to have to otherwise account for in my timesheets)

SHIT! cab’s here already – forget the 10 minutes! I”ll try to log on later!

 

July 22, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 1:13 pm

LAWD HAVE MERCY MY PUBLIC NEEEEEEEEEDS ME! You guys make me feel so loved and warm and fuzzy inside.

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Work actually got kinda busy… Alright, let’s truth it up: I had a mid-term review and there were a lot of crickets chirping and awkward pauses and then THIS happened:

MEAN ANGRY BOSS: Kirstin, why are you such a f*cking moron? Your job is not hard and yet you seem to be struggling to get your work done. Instead you spend an awful lot of time typing but we don’t know what you’re typing WHAT ARE YOU TYPING, WOMAN, WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

KIRSTIN: I’m…um… blogging.

MEAN ANGRY BOSS: …what is that, some kind of feminine problem?

KIRSTIN: uh, ya, ya that’s it – a feminine problem.

MEAN ANGRY BOSS: well, then take some midol or something, would you and start DOING SOME F*CKING WORK AROUND HERE BEFORE I CALL THE FEDS.

What? Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Ya, none of that actually happened. It was more like:

NICE FRIENDLY BOSS: Sooooooo, I think things are going well but there’s probably more you could be doing to expand the role, why don’t we come up with some ideas together.

KIRSTIN: You’re so nice me Friendly Boss. Thank you. In fact, you’re so nice that I feel bad for doing so much blogging during working hours. Maybe I’ll do some work for a while until I lose momentum again and then I’ll go back to full-time blogging.

NICE FRIENDLY BOSS: Sounds good, so let me tell you a funny little anecdote about getting pissed drunk with a particular blog-reader’s sister the other night…

Anyway, that’s the explanation. Plus we have the whole Ahn family visiting from Korea so you wouldn’t even begin to BELIEVE all the family outings I’ve been on in the past week – dinners, parties, informal get togethers – all of them with the same people and all of them involving 90% Korean-only conversation.

I’ve spent a lot of quality time inside my head while in the company of others lately.

But now here I am and… OH MY GOD, guess what? Great Wolf Lodge baby! We’re going on Thursday evening waterslideshereIcomewatchoutformeeeeeeeee! And we’ll ALL be speaking the international language of watery-slippery-splash-in-your-face adventure. And my mother in law’s not such a strong swimmer AND she’s soooo one of those people that would never let the water come within several inches of her middle-aged-ball-haircut hair while chillin in a swimming pool so maybe I’ll “accidentally” forget about the fact that she’s not a strong swimmer and pull a little “wheeeee! isn’t this fun? let’s rough-house” and push ‘er in the deep end just for kicks. WHAT? I’m soooo joking. I would never do that. Never. Well… NO never.

And then, in other not-so-happy news we’ve decreased our cable package to the basics (which actually includes almost every channel imaginable) but last night there was nothing on and so I was going to go to my default show – which is Jon & Kate Plus 8 which plays on TLC ALL DAY EVERY DAY DON’T YOU GUYS HAVE ANOTHER SHOW TO SHOW US, LIKE, EVER? And it turns out I don’t get TLC! What the hell? What are Jon & Kate going to do without my unwavering-when-there’s-nothing-else-on support?

And then in other very happy news they’re handing out big bags of Doritos at work today and I took 2 bags even tho I think it was common courtesy only to take one each and spread the wealth but f*ck those guys cuz these Doritos are MIIIIIIINE!

And then in other not-so-happy news one of the bags I stole and ripped into immediately was the new Doritos Collisions that includes 2 different flavours of Doritos, one of those being hot wings or some shit? And my mouth? right now? ON FIRE.

And then in other very happy news I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday morning and it’s already noon so I basically only have 2 days of working left this week and once you factor in the blogging and then lunchtimes it’s almost like I’m done right now (see? that’s the work ethic bosses look for).

And then in other not so happy news my keyboard is covered in bright orange Dorito powder and I’m a little worried that I’ve already used up my new keyboard quota for the month so I’d better hide it from the IT guys. Why? Why haven’t they learned by now to make keyboard-coloured Doritos for undercover snacking in the workplace? There’s a marketing idea just waiting to be discovered. I’m such an effing genius and my talents are being wasted I tell you.

Anyway, that’s all the nonsense I have to impart today. I’ll be back tomorrow, though, cuz who are we kidding about the whole “working hard” thing, anyway.

Hugs

P.S. If you do happen to click on the “Doritos Collisions” link that I’ve provided above… um… WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!? Some kind of exclusive chip review website? Hilarious. I came up with it by googling the product name because Doritos.com is WAAAAY too complex. It’s all interactive and scary. And I LERVE the internet, yo, so that’s sayin’ somethin’.

I fear we all have too much time on our hands – the chip reviewers and the Doritos marketers and me and this Dorito-centric postscript? It’s all a little ridiculous. I say, bring on the recession. Hell, make it a depression if you need to because we need some grit to show us what life is all about cuz I have a feeling it’s not about websites that are dedicated to rating chips (I’m happy to say that I will not be at all affected by the recession because I’ve already downgraded my cable and how much lower and grittier can it get?)