The worst thing ever imaginable has transpired. I shall share this story with you so that you can all cry with me but first, some history:
Long, long ago when Kirstin was preparing to return to work she had a birthday and was given some birthday money and went shopping. She bought some age-appropriate office-appropriate clothing and her main priority when seeking out tops was the attractive blouse-y type tops with an elastic waist underneath the blouse-yness because, as we all know, those are the best shirts for hiding one’s muffin tops and Kirstin would like to marry whoever decided that style should be cool. Problem was even though Kirstin saw a million ladies walk by wearing those tops every day of her life she was unable to locate said tops in the mall (perhaps because the nice tops Kirstin was eyeing all came from expensive stores and Kirstin exclusively looked in Old Navy and Smart Set because Kirstin had to buy an entire new wardrobe with $200 and the blouse-y shirts that kept walking by probably cost $200 each which would have meant Kirstin could buy one blouse-y top and wear it every day to work with no pants. In hind sight, perhaps that would have been the better plan). So Kirstin is shopping and becoming exasperated with the lack of blouse-y tops when she spies a perfect candidate in Old Navy – elastic-y waist, blouse-y, cute, inexpensive – it fits all of the criteria. Problem is that it turns out the top is in the Old Navy MATERNITY section. This is not a top that is blouse-y to hide muffin tops it is blouse-y to hide BABIES. But Kirstin thinks, “same difference, I could totally fit half a baby into each of my muffin tops” and tries it on. Kirstin decides that the top doesn’t look TOO maternity and hides the muffin tops and she’s so sick of the mall that she’s about to hang herself from the string of a Canada Goose and so buys the top figuring she wants to have another kid someday so why not get a top that is useful now AND she can wear when she’s knocked up too? It’s the perfect plan.
The plan was NOT perfect. It was far from perfect. It was, in fact, terribly, terribly flawed because little did Kirstin expect that one of her coworkers would actually BE pregnant and would come to work on August 19th wearing the blouse-y top that Kirstin is ALSO wearing on August 19th and would screech “I knew I’d seen this top somewhere before!” and Kirstin would go all “er-uh-I-but-oh-muffintop-ack-oh-uh-is it hot in here?” and now have to live out the rest of this tedious day matching a pregnant lady and, I can only imagine, fielding questions about whether or not I’m pregnant and “well why the f*ck are you wearing a pregnant-lady shirt then?” DEAR LORD why? And what might be the worst part about it all is the pregnant lady is this tiny little Asian woman with a perfect beach-ball belly and she’s totally rocking the shirt and it looks way better on her. Oh, AND while running upstairs this morning to grab Julian some juice and throw him out the door at my mother so I could get to a doctor’s appointment I snagged the blouse-y part of my blouse-y top on SOME part of the door jamb and RIPPED the blouse-y and now it’s not even hiding my muffin top anymore but showcasing it through a big spy-hole and I may have to kill myself.