Whenever I hear a news story that involves an animal I ALWAYS take the animal’s side. Even if it was “freakish football-field-sized crocodile goes mad and wipes out entire town of smartest and friendliest people ever to exist” I would think, “Aw, poor freak crocodile was probably scared to death! Tsk tsk.” So this morning when I saw this story I was HORRIFIED. Like, this woman (who probably left her garbage out so it’s TOTALLY her fault) got mauled yada yada cry me a river, and the poor bear got pelted by rocks, hit with a broom, kicked in the face, finally said, “Alright, forget it – this meal isn’t worth all the humiliation” and took off (sounds like a very reasonable bear to me) and THEN they KILLED him. WTF? if anyone was going to get shot out of the whole scenario I would think it’s the lady . I mean, she was the one who was already compromised and was just going to take up space lying around in a hospital bed probably complaining about the food and how hard it is to be mauled by a bear, poooooooor me, ooooooowwwwwww my bear-bitten limbs hurt soooooo much and making some poor nurse look at her poop to see if it’s normal – who needs that?. Plus there are PLENTY of people to go around. Bears aren’t so common AND bears aren’t f*cking with the environment AND they’re soft and I’d much rather bury my face in a bear than in a middle-aged woman. They got this situation all kinds of messed up, yo.
But then, amidst my outrage I kinda had to laugh when I read the part by a neighbour who said, “I’m shocked. I’ve never seen a bear actually attacking before. Usually you just hear (of bears) in your garbage. (They) make a mess and then leave.” because I imagined a rowdy pack of teen-bears running up to a house, messing everything up, banging some garbage-can lids together and then running away again laughing and whooping and knocking over a garden gnome on the way.
But then I started thinking about how this is my second post on bears in the past few weeks and whether I harbour some hidden adoration of bears and maybe I should quit my job and become a professional Friend To All Things Bear and paint little bear figurines and sell them out of the trunk of my car and donate all the money to a bear party fund so that they have chips and and pop to snack on after a long night of garbage-messing and gnome-kicking.
And then I started thinking I should probably stop all this nonsense and have a snack myself. And do some WORK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN JUST DO SOME WORK ALREADY!
(I heart bears)