A List Of Things I Am Not Ashamed To Admit To The Internet

1) I’m not a real blonde. Well, I’m a real blonde but it’s a really dark, unattractive shade of blonde. More like a light brown or what some might refer to as “dirty blonde”. I do NOT like to refer to it as such because it suggest that my hair is unclean. Which it is. Frequently. But that’s not the reason it’s the colour that it is.

2) I have peed all over my bathroom floor (I was pregnant with Julian, throwing up into the toilet and the pee just couldn’t wait any longer) (is this one better without the explanation? Is it more interesting not to KNOW why I peed on the bathroom floor? Cuz I’ll take it out. You let me know, Internet).

3) I peed the bed once as an adult and NOT because I was pregnant but because I was drunk. That’s pretty drunk.

4) I stole a can of tuna from a grocery store the other day. I had a diaper bag in my cart and genuinely didn’t see the can of tuna when I was putting all my stuff on the conveyor belt but then I DID notice it and yet I didn’t put it on the conveyor belt I just left it and looked around whistling and getting ready to grab Jules and make a run for it if the check-out lady discovered that I was committing a heinous crime but she didn’t notice and so I took my bags and then beelined out of the grocery store. CAN OF TUNA – STOLEN! KA-CHING! But why? Why did I do this? A can of tuna costs what? …no seriously, what? I have no idea. $1? $2? WHAT!? For a can of tuna? That’s obscene. I’m stealing ALL my tuna from now on.

5) I feel very little shame while wearing short pants (a.k.a., shpants) having not shaved my legs in a very long time.

6) I have a habit of starting projects I don’t finish (please see my poor son’s blog that has been NEGLECTED for the past year or so. But seriously, if I was still in charge of taking pictures of him I think there would be a lot more to write about but the husband? Not so good with the picture taking. It’s all his fault and I revoke this entry from the list… Yet I will not add another one to the bottom of the list to make up for it because this list is ridiculous and getting very boring very quickly).

7) I once ate an entire tub of Hagen Daas ice cream in one sitting and I wasn’t pregnant nor was I drunk. I could do it again, too. Try me.

8 ) I occasionally talk to my own body parts out loud as if they are my friends (and by “occasionally” I mean all the time).

9) I am convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that my in-laws hate me and talk about me in front of my face in another language and may be plotting my death and thus I plan to LEARN this language and not tell them EVER that I have learned it so that I can hear all the things that are being said (and psych out any death plotting, naturally) and one day when we’re all very old I’ll confront them and deliver a KICK ASS speech, kind of like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction all, “AND I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE…” in perfect Korean and then I’ll laugh and taunt them and plot their deaths… ah who are we kidding? I’ll never learn Korean. I’ll start to learn it and then I’ll get bored and/or distracted (see #6 BEFORE it was revoked) and nothing will come of it… But they hate me. For sure.

10) I used to have recurring dreams about my teeth falling out, like ALL THE TIME but in writing this I suddenly realized that I haven’t had one of those dreams in a very very long time. Interesting. Blogs are CHEAPER THAN THERAPY PEOPLE AND THEY DO CURE ALL ILLS. I’m HEALED! BA GOLLY I CAN SEE! PRAISE THE LAWD!

This is ridiculous. I’m done with this list. C’mon feet, let’s go home.