Are you there god? It’s me, Kirstin… God? uhhh, WTF? Like, seriously, what is this sh*t? I ask you for something worthy of an awesome blog entry and this is what you give me? Is my suffering really what you would consider “awesome”? Although it would explain a lot if you do…
Last Night, a.k.a. The Saddest Story You Will Ever Hear
5:30: Kirstin arrives home from work and makes dinner, plays with son while husband goes to work.
6:00: Kirstin receives confirmation that she is required to attend a big ol’ sleepover at sister-in-law’s house so that the whole flimin-flamin-family can drive mother-in-law to hospital for minor surgery following morning at 5:30 a.m. In Kirstin’s opinion a lobotomy may require a sleepover. Quadruple Bypass? Sure let’s sleep over. This surgery is neither of those things and Kirstin is not convinced it’s absolutely 100% necessary for the whole family to get up-in-arms and rally together. To clarify, Kirstin’s role in said sleepover is to baby-sit both Julian and his cousin Samantha between the hours of 5:30 and wake-up time while everyone else (a.k.a. the important adults) take MIL to the hospital. Thanks. ‘Preciate that.
8:30: SIL arrives to pick up Kirstin & Jules. In car Julian looks like he’s about to fall asleep.
8:40: arrive at SIL’s house. Julian spies cousin’s pink electric guitar and looks alarmingly NOT sleepy.
9:00: toddler rock band in full swing. Kirstin pours herself glass of wine.
9:15: Kirstin, the proverbial wet blanket to all things that are Three Apples High and somewhat lacking in musical talent suggests getting into pajamas and having some milk. Milk anyone? Muscle Relaxant? Tranquilizer dart?
9:17: Kirstin wonders how it is possible that she’s by all indications invisible while wearing such a shockingly bright hue of turquoise?
9:20: Kirstin calls upon some archived wrestling moves honed during the 80s and manages to get Julian into clean diaper and jammies. Props to Uncle Jonathan for forcing Kirstin to watch endless hours of WWF back in the time of Rowdy Roddy Piper.
9:21: Kirstin recalls a cartoon featuring the wrestling characters of yore. Was this a figment of her imagination or did it exist? Anyone?
9:40: Both kids are in pajamas, have milk and are seated on the couch watching Dora’s Pirate Adventure (Note: f*ck morals and values and raising your kids the “right” way. If I can get them to fall asleep watching tv I’ll take it in a heartbeat).
9:50: It’s time to go up for sleep. Samantha and SIL go up to her bedroom and Kirstin and Julian go up to the spare room. Also known as the “toy room”. Great. This should be easy.
9:55: Kirstin clears bed of toys, piles of blankets, more toys, outgrown toddler clothes, toys, a few toys, extra pillows, toys and toys. Julian goes hog wild and spins around “toy room” in fashion reminiscent of Tasmanian Devil.
10:00: Kirstin hears SIL return downstairs. Samantha is asleep. Kirstin contemplates calling a cab to take her ass home to her own bed in a room that is decidedly less stimulating.
10:01 – 10:40: Kirstin sings, cajoles, fights, pleads, prays, soothes, pats, cuddles, begs and offers bribes in an attempt to get Julian to go to sleep.
10:01 – 10:40: Julian sings, chats, rolls, plays, jumps, pokes, giggles, farts, kicks and gives cold shoulder in attempt to turn mother into babbling crazy person. Eventually he asks simply if he can go sit on the naughty step.
10:41: Kirstin longs for the days of beds with bars that could not be climbed and takes Julian downstairs (something she has NEVER DONE in 2-1/2 years) and decides she will let him sit with her on her lap until he falls asleep as lying in the toy room is clearly not providing a calming sleep environment.
11:00: Julian is looking sleepy and SIL suggests we try the bed thing again. Kirstin acquiesces since it IS her house ‘n’ all but with every step up the stairs somewhere, somehow a phantom voice whispers “lost cause lost cause lost cause”.
11:01 – 11:30: Kirstin sings, cajoles, fights, pleads, prays, soothes, pats, cuddles, begs and offers bribes in an attempt to get Julian to go to sleep.
11:01 – 11:30: Julian sings, chats, rolls, plays, jumps, pokes, giggles, farts, kicks, and gives cold shoulder and then insists, once and for all, that he wants to sit on the naughty step.
11:30: Kirstin is now frustrated, hot and inexplicably furious with her husband. She agrees that if Julian wants to go on the naughty step that’s where he’s going. She puts him on the naughty step, tells him not to move and goes downstairs
11:32: Kirstin pours herself a 2nd glass of wine.
11:33: eerie silence from the naughty step.
11:35: still silent. Kirstin downs wine and half-heartedly wonders, “if a kid falls asleep at the top of a staircase does he automatically fall forward, catapulting himself down the stairs and breaking his own neck?”
11:37: a quiet question from the naughty step – “mommy? Can I get off the naughty step now?”
11:38: Kirstin debates the appropriate response. Is it: “of course sweetheart, come sit w/ mommy and have a cuddle”? or “you put yourself there, dumbass, whadaya askin me for?”
11:40: Kirstin is repositioned on the couch with Julian watching a Korean soap opera that neither Kirstin nor Julian can understand because we do not speak Korean. Kirstin’s hope is that it will prove to be so unbelievably boring that Julian will HAVE TO FALL ASLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST GO TO SLEEP YOU INSANE LITTLE PERSON.
11:45: Kirstin is so way engrossed in Korean soap opera. This show is the bomb and I don’t even know what they’re saying. Jules did you just see that sh*t? That dude just died in a blazing inferno! What the… Jules? Jules?
11:47: the kid sleeps. Halleluiah.
11:55: Kirstin is back downstairs having put kid to bed. Korean soap is over. Sniff. Now just time to finish bottle of wine and wait for husband to arrive for sleepover.
12:15: phone call from husband. He’s decided to sleep at home and show up in the morning instead. Interesting seeing as I believe this whole Fun Family Sleepover Extravaganza was his idea. Oh, ya, and it’s his family.
12:15 – 12:45: Kirstin watches half an episode of Friends and half an episode of Sex In The City because Thou Shall Never Sleep Without Half Hour Of Grown-Up Time Or Thou Shalt Die.
12:45: Kirstin brushes teeth, washes face, revisits WWF cartoon question. There was a Hulk Hogan cartoon character, no? Bastardly compromised temporal lobe makes remember anything damn-near impossible. I hate you temporal lobe.
1:00: Kirstin falls asleep.
5:50: Julian wakes up screaming about DROPPING THE BEACH BALL OMG I DROPPED THE BEACH BALL THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.
6:00: Samantha wakes up having been disturbed by the beach ball episode. Surround-sound screaming ensues.
6:15: Kirstin has a toddler on each hip and is singing some song about daffodils. WTF? Kirstin doesn’t even know what kind of sh*t is coming out of her mouth. It’s 6:15. Did we mention 6:15? and the singing? No wonder Julian has nightmares.
FAST FORWARD TO 8:30 a.m.: husband shows up to take Kirstin to work and Julian home to bed. If it wasn’t for the McDonalds breakfast in husband’s hand husband may have been forced to lay down life for the greater good.
Real time: Kirstin is living on 4 cups of coffee and the realization that God is not her friend. Nap room beckons but Kirstin fears she will never resurface if she goes in there. Toy Room is forever banished from Kirstin’s life. I will not return to that place. Ever. Nor shall I ever look at another Drop ‘n’ Roar Dinosaur.
OOOH! In other news we booked a night at Great Wolf Lodge near the end of July w/ John’s family. Can anyone say FAMILY SLEEPOVER!?
No no no, when there are waterslides involved it’s SO not the same thing. Really. I swear.