Yeeeee-haaaaw, I’m like the Lone Ranger except instead of Silver I have the Lady Laser. And instead of being cool I’m just a knob with her jeans tucked into her husband’s sport socks. But all this leading up to the confirmation that yes, the rumours are true, I rode my bike to work today. I took major streets the whole way and didn’t get hit by a single car. I did get passed by a few disdainful co-bikers who were going waaaaay faster than I was. They were all, “ding ding” on their bells before they pulled out and flew past me. I’ll have to save up for a bell in case, one day, I reach a speed high enough to pass someone. Maybe one of those ancient Chinese ladies biking around pulling a trailer full of garbage.
When the Fates Intervene… April 28, 2008
OH. MY. GOD.
So here I am standing at the precipice of an existential crisis a la Jerry McGuire (well, if not existential exactly then an Oprah-inspired lifestyle crisis at the very least) and what movie is on tv last night? JERRY Mc-FLIPPIN-GUIRE!
(Digression: oh how I miss the days before TomKat & couch jumping, before Scientology, before Rene Zellweger shrunk into an unattractive skeletal half-being… it was a simpler time… *sigh* End of digression.)
Anyway, can you imagine the odds? A movie from the mid-90s being aired on TV on a Sunday night? That’s got to be some kind of a sign, right Internet? Right? Am I right? …No? What’s that? This movie is played more often than not in unfilled tv time-slots on every network? What? Well eff you guys. I think it’s a sign so it’s a sign. Here’s the problem. It seems getting rid of plastic in my life requires a little up-front investment that I’m not sure I can fork out all at once so I’ll have to work in phases (those mason jars aren’t cheap) (actually they’re very cheap and I’m just that broke). The good news is I think I’ve got John at least partially on-board by telling him that he doesn’t have to sacrifice anything personally (this is my big idea so I’m not going to ban him from buying a 2L Diet Coke just cuz I said so) All I ask for now is that, ya know, he opt for products that come in glass containers where possible and go to Bulk Barn (which of course makes him happy because where else can you buy such an enormous quantity of Corn Nuts for, like, $3?). He seemed a little skeptical but is definitely open to it because I played the kid card and MAN ALIVE parents are an easy target. “Don’t you want to make a better future for your son?” END OF STORY! If you say “no” you’re, like, Voldemort or David Hasslehoff. It’s waaaaay too easy.
So I’ve begun phase 1 by going to Lush and buying some shampoo & conditioner in bar form. I’ve used them a few times and I’m still a little confused about the directions for use – do I rub it between my hands until I have kind of a lather? Do I swipe the bar around directly on my wet head? The latter seems to be working a little better and takes less time. Consensus is this: I’m diggin the smell (it lingers and is kinda grassy or meadow-y, surprisingly contrary to the offensive attack of stink you get when you walk by Lush on the street) but I’m not sure I’m loving the texture of my new hair nor the stylability factor. I’m going allow the lid a few weeks to adjust before I pass official judgement but worst case scenario is that I’ll keep using it (because on a daily basis I don’t tend to give much of a rat’s ass how I look) and when I want to look really, really hot I’ll just use the leftover normal-people shampoo that’s now been relegated to the back of a closet. Same goes for styling product (mousse & spray) the current on-the-go containers are being saved for emergency situations & special occasions. Translation: if you see me with quasi-bag-lady hair you weren’t important enough for me to bust out the good products. Sucker.
Pffft April 27, 2008
Well it seems the TTC has already come to some sort of “agreement” and will be running tomorrow. AND it’s going to rain all day. I’m soooooo not taking the Lady Laser.
Thank You TTC! April 26, 2008
I was likely the only person in Toronto who was bitterly disappointed in the TTC last weekend when they selfishly and without even consulting me and my needs reached a tentative agreement and decided not to strike. Ya, sure, the other 1,499,999 people who use the TTC every day to get to work were thrilled but the strike had been the motivation I needed to get my bicycle out of my mom’s garage (my bike is purple and I bought it for $89 from Wal-Mart about 10 years ago but it looks brand-new because I’ve never ridden it. It’s called the “Lady Laser”) (no kidding)
I realize you can’t see the word “lady” in the pic but you’ll have to trust me on this one. It also looks a bit like “Daser” thanks to the flourish of the state-of-the-art logo design. I assure you, it’s actually “Laser”. So back to the story: I retrieved my bike and also stole a unstylish dusty bike helmet that was in my mom’s garage (my mother doesn’t have a bike so I’m not sure who this belongs to. Unsanitary? Yes, perhaps, and yet I remain surprisingly unalarmed) and prepared myself to bike in to work the next day only to be hit with a “temporary agreement” and a streetcar’s worth of bitter, bitter disappointment. I mean, let’s face it, it’s one thing to ride the Lady Laser to work when one has no option BUT to don a mysterious helmet, wear a backpack, sweat and risk getting hit by cars; it’s entirely different if you have a streetcar going right by your house and riding all the way to work in one simple route. OF COURSE if I have the option I’m NOT going to do the thing that requires me to exert energy! C’mon Internet, you know me better than that! I do feel that if I had to ride my bike to work for, say, a week, I could probably keep it up but it would never, ever start if there wasn’t a specific reason for it to start.
Enter the TTC who, as it turns out, does care a little bit about lil’ ol’ me because the agreement fell through and as of midnight last night – SSSTTTTTTRRRRRRRRIKE! This morning I made John come with me for a test run – we put Jules in his little kiddie seat (which is attached to John’s bike for reasons that should be pretty obvious… and were most certainly obvious to the motorists who only hours ago had to deal with my amateur swerving and “MY BAD”s) but I did it! We didn’t bike all the way to my office but we were within a block so i know I can do it. I’m not going to lie to you – there was some sweating… But on the plus side, my new bangs were kind of held in place by the bike helmet and my mascara didn’t run despite the crying for mercy… and I didn’t die. Hooo-RAH! So now I just need to pray that despite the inconvenience for millions, traffic mayhem and parking nightmares the strike lasts for at least a few more days. COME ON UNREASONABLE DEMANDS AND INEFFECTIVE NEGOTIATIONS! (fingers crossed)
Let ‘er out of the house for a week and see what happens? April 25, 2008
This is a long one – settle in.
So here’s the thing: heretofore I’ve been pretty mainstream when it comes to all things environmental. I recycle, I use my green bin, I own a battery of cloth bags that I forget to take with me to the grocery store. Other than that I haven’t seriously considered the impending environmental crises beyond “what? Oh ya, the environment – that, like, totally blows. Ooh, is that pâté?”. Then this whole BPA leaching plastics thing jumped into the forefront of the media and it was all about the kids “OMG the children, it’s bad for the children, what are we going to do about the poor cancer-doomed, developmentally-challenged children?” and, as you other mothers out there know (and any clever marketer or media big-wig also knows) as soon as it becomes threatening to your kids you take notice. Even if I’m sure it’s all a bunch of hyped-up bullsh*t conspiracy theorist crap and I, personally, am happy to continue consuming leaching toxins until I’m a professional toxin-leacher in the toxin-leaching wing of the Institute Of Geriatric Toxin-Leaching Leachers, I’m not willing to take that risk where Julian is concerned so although it may be crap, I’d rather be safe than sorry and I dutifully went out and bought him an obscenely expensive stainless steel sippy cup for his milk and a ridiculously overpriced (but uber-cute) stainless snap-top water bottle for his tricycle triathalons and that was that. But then I started thinking (because this is what happens when you let us women out of the house, Internet, we try to use our brains! Gawd.) if he’s leaching toxins through his sippy cups, then what about the chewed-up plastic fork he’s currently gnawing on? That says “leaching” all over it. And what about the plastic Ikea bowl that he’s eating his lasagna from that we bought for 25 cents for a package of 15? Anything that cheap has got to be leaching somethin. And then what about the shiny plastic wrap that the lasagna noodles came in? And what about the plastic gladware that housed the sauce in the fridge? And what about the plastic container the ricotta came in? and the parmesean? and OH MY GOD IT’S EVERYWHERE! I can’t expect one teeny-tiny overpriced sippy cup to solve all of Julian’s toxin-leaching problems, can I?
So these were the thought swirling around in my simple, tired brain and then I got hit with this article (again – see what happens when you read something intellectual? Someone get this woman a harlequin romance super-stat)
Bejebus, that’s not good.
And THEN I read this quote somewhere: “we didn’t inherit the earth, we are just borrowing it from our children” and it struck me that this was one of the most cheese-ball eye-rolling quotes I think I’ve ever heard… BUT on the heels of the toxin-leaching and the article above I actually pondered the cheese-ball quote and omg! it’s true – the plastic garbage-island off the coast of California is going to be given to Jules to clean up! And all us bastards with our plastic everything are giving ma boy a lot of back-breaking work to do in the future.
And suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breath very well and got all Jerry McGuire and thought about Oprah and how insane it is that she went from being a po’ black girl in a world crippled by racism to being one of the richest women in the world who uses her riches to help people (ya the Oprah tangent’s a little random but bear with me. Did I mention I’m tired?) and I got struck with the lack of meaning in my life (outside of simply adoring my family) – like, do I help anyone? Do I try to make the world better? and then I just wanted to take a nap…
So see? See what I’m sayin? You get me out of the house and suddenly I’m flippin Norma Rae… except that I don’t want to start a union. I’m not sure what I want to do but I want to do something… I think I just want to be Oprah.
I can’t ever see myself being a card-carrying, granola-crunching, angry hippy (even tho the hairy legs and lack of hygiene do seem to come naturally to me) but I’m going to start with making some small changes including cutting out as much plastic from our household as I can. I haven’t so much run this plan past John yet (and John is every manufacturer’s favourite consumer – throwing stuff out left and right into whichever waste receptacle is close by – he’s all about the convenience. Sorry hubby. I love you but it’s true) so I don’t know how it’ll go over when I tell him I want to schlep a bunch of cloth draw-string bags and mason jars off to Bulk Barn to do our grocery shopping but I’ll let you know how it goes, Internet. In the meantime… I’m not gonna dooo what you all think I’m gonna do which is just FLIP OUT! But who’s comin with me? WHOOOOOOOO’S COMIN WITH ME?
THE BOUNCE-A-TRON 2000! April 24, 2008
Do you want to look like this guy?
OR do you have an active toddler and just simply lack the energy it takes to entertain him? Then the BOUNCE-A-TRON 2000 is just what you’ve been looking for! Easy to assemble, small enough to fit into even the smallest apartment, the BOUNCE-A-TRON 2000 makes child-rearing a breeze. Just set up the BOUNCE-A-TRON, install toddler on bouncy top-surface and let him go-go-go! You may never have to go through the hassle of going to the park or breathing fresh air again! Call now to order at 1-800-LAZY-MOM.
* Toddler not included. May cause nausea (for spectator, not toddler)
Week Two, what day is it again? April 16, 2008
I think tracking the week/day of my working life is getting a little old, no? I’m not exactly stranded on a remote island trying to keep track of what month it is. This isn’t “Life of Pi”… it’s not even “Life of Pie”… mmm pie. It may turn into “Life of Starbucks Lemon Poppyseed Loaf” – we’ll see if I’m up for the walk later. Anyway, I’m going to have to start coming up with actual subject lines as I’m not prepared to get to “Week 154, Day 3” c’mon, that’s just stupid (that’s also assuming I make it to week 154. Don’t tell anyone but I’m beginning to think I’m not all that vital to the company’s success and viability).
On a serious note, with all the spare time that having a full-time job has provided me I thought maybe I’d catch up on my knowledge of world events. I logged on to CNN and started to read and *bam* I got hit with a story about a toddler getting stoned and there was actual video footage of teenagers trying to get this 18-month-old baby to take a haul off a pipe. So OH MY GOD just the sight of this little toddler made me think of Jules and want to ditch my new job like yesterday’s status meeting and run home and pick him up and hug him and protect him from pipe-wielding teenagers and remote-island-strandings and full-time jobs that leave employees too much time on their hands (and anyone who dares question who’s going to protect him from overbearing, koo-koo-bananas mothers gets a brand-new (empty) file-o-fax to the head)… Anyway, now I’m depressed over the fact that there’s someone’s little babe out there who doesn’t have anyone to hug them and shield them from hash pipes. I hate the news. Quick, pass me the “zoo” section.