Some of you may have heard that I made myself some new year’s resolutions this year. For any of those who aren’t aware I’ll list them for you so we can all examine and assess my failure together:
1) eat well – visit naturopath re: health & diet
2) keep blog – in the hopes of improving short-term memory
3) watch less tv & do more constructive things with my time (ya, I know, right? In my defence how was I to know they’d have the first-ever winter edition of Big Brother AND a fans vs. favourites Survivor AND America’s Next Top Model in New York all going on at once?)
3b) read more (in all the time that I’m now, of course, not watching tv)
4) wait a sec… what was number 2 again?
5) remove make-up, wash face and moisturize every night before bed
6) watch more interesting movies (currently John and I exclusively watch the WORST comedies and/or action adventure movies ever created. you would think we consult some kind of a directory to help us find the worst-acted, worst-written, worst-reviewed movies EVER but we actually just seem to gravitate toward them without any help or intervention at all. It’s a gift)
6) read the paper and/or watch the news
Now yes, it’s true, I’ve failed at just about every one of these resolutions but let’s not forget, internet, that it’s still early in the year and I’d have to check my manual but I think technically you do have until at least, like, May before you can deem it a TRUE failure so we’ll see how it goes. In any case, it is #6 that I’d like to address in my blog today. The news. The god-damned flipping stoopid news. I know I should know what’s going on in the world, right? that’s the thing grown-ups do and it’s just, I dunno, important, right? But my struggle is that it’s all just a little DE-pressing, ya know? Like, if I wanted to be depressed I’d go weigh myself, thanks.
So anyway, today in the mail we recieved our quarterly newsletter from the zoo (yes, we’re card-carrying zoo members. Now that we have a two-year-old it seemed like a more responsible choice than our usual annual membership to the museum of pornography and weapons). So, forever haunted by my nearly-failed new year’s resolutions I thought to myself, “now this must count as news, no?” and I grabbed it as I was on my way out the door to read on the streetcar. Well, let me tell you, internet, that if THIS was the way all news read I would have hit resolution #6 out of the park by January 15th. I’d totally read the news every day if it was all Zoo News. Here are a few exerpts from the Zoo News for you all to enjoy (and few editorial jackass comments because… well… do I really need a reason?)
Two female snapping turtles were returned to the exhibit with the male. He attempted to breed one of them, pinning her in the pool. She was not interested in him. (ya, no shit. That snapping turtle’s not nooooooo game. Let’s hope for his sake that pool’s got a swim-up bar cuz he’s gonna need cocktails, looooooots of cocktails)
Western grey kangaroo, “Quiranda”, died. She was 18 years old and came to Toronto from Chicago in 1995. (see? it’s not like I’m trying to bury my head in the sand. The Zoo News has got grit)
Elephants weighed – their weights range from 8,200 lbs to 8,800 lbs (damn, that’s more than me! unlike me the elephants must have been really depressed to read the zoo news)
Reindeer, “Comet”, is coming into rut. He is grunting and attacking the fence. (?!)
Komodo dragon, “Loka”, was given an ultrsound – she may have eggs present. (seems it’s not only humans who are obsessed with their fertility. Maybe Loka should try acupuncture. I’ve heard it works wonders)
Solomon Island Monkey Tailed Skink gave birth to two offspring. She is being very protective of them. This species does not lay eggs but gives birth to live young. (Skink! tee hee)
Naked molerat, “Queen”, is so pregnant now that she is getting stuck in the tubes in her exhibit. (For the love of christ, someone get that poor effing molerat some maternity pants! All us procreators know how it feels to be so big you’re getting stuck in the tubes in your exhibit but to have to do it naked?! that’s just adding insult to injury)
Gorilla, “Charles”, was very upset at the Hammerkop that was released into the free flight aviary. He let out two alarm calls and postured at the bird for quite a while. (Man, don’t you wish people dealt with all their issues by ‘posturing’? Lawd knows I’d enjoy seeing two drunken, testosteron-fuelled boys engaging in a vogue-off outside a bar)
Male saki monkey, “Teriyaki”, was startled and started vocalizing when he spotted a visitor dressed in a Sponge Bob Squarepants Halloween costume.
See? Are you with me internet? wouldn’t you looove reading the paper every day if these were the kinds of stories you knew you were in for? I think the Zoo News should at the very least be a section in the big-people papers to lift our spirits a little – you know: “shooting, flood, shooting, political debate, Saki monkey vocalizing at Sponge Bob Squarepants, hurricane, shooting…” it just makes it all a little easier to swallow, non?
This blog entry is dedicated to the late Quiranda, may she rest in peace.