Kirstin’s blog

I don’t pretend to have anything interesting to say…

When good things happen to fat people August 25, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 1:26 pm

SEE? I knew I could turn it all around. I was sitting at my desk brainstorming how I could get out of eating my shitty plain veggies & chicken breast lunch (having already spent $1.35 of the $2 I had in my wallet on M&Ms as a mid-morning snack) (by the way WHY OH WHY do I always give all my change to my son to add to his piggy bank? If it wasn’t for that I would have had AT LEAST enough for some afternoon-snack M&Ms as well) (he’s saving for a trip to Australia, by the way, in case you were wondering. No shit. He wants to go visit The Wiggles) (every time he drops a nickel in there he says, “There, NOW I have enough money for my trip to Australia” and generously extends the invitation for me to join him. And I curse having not helped him to come up with a more financially-attainable goal and launch into my explanation of how he’ll have to wait a good few… decades… before his loose change will get him to Australia) (my lands this is a lot of parentheses) so me. lunch. yuck. and then an email MAGICALLY makes its way into my inbox stating that there is “Thai food in the 5th floor kitchen up for grabs”. HELLO!? I’m now feasting on pad thai and mango salad and MSG-filled veggies. Hooray!

It has been a few days since I shaved my zone. Maybe my luck is starting to accumulate…



Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 9:47 am

BAH! I brought a croissant in to work to have for breakfast today and then I just burnt it in the toaster oven so you can imagine my bitter, bitter disappointment. It’s not like a croissant for breakfast is an every day thing, it’s supposed to be special and now THIS (well, except that for some reason that I have yet to figure out John bought a whole tray of them from Costco on the weekend so I have consumed about 17 croissant in the past few days because I didn’t want them to go STALE it was my DUTY… but STILL a burnt croissant is a tragedy and I don’t know how this day is ever going to recover).

That’s it. I shall bravely try to turn this day around and report back with some more positive news.


I’m drowning in a blouse-y pit of dispair August 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 11:02 am

The worst thing ever imaginable has transpired. I shall share this story with you so that you can all cry with me but first, some history:

Long, long ago when Kirstin was preparing to return to work she had a birthday and was given some birthday money and went shopping. She bought some age-appropriate office-appropriate clothing and her main priority when seeking out tops was the attractive blouse-y type tops with an elastic waist underneath the blouse-yness because, as we all know, those are the best shirts for hiding one’s muffin tops and Kirstin would like to marry whoever decided that style should be cool. Problem was even though Kirstin saw a million ladies walk by wearing those tops every day of her life she was unable to locate said tops in the mall (perhaps because the nice tops Kirstin was eyeing all came from expensive stores and Kirstin exclusively looked in Old Navy and Smart Set because Kirstin had to buy an entire new wardrobe with $200 and the blouse-y shirts that kept walking by probably cost $200 each which would have meant Kirstin could buy one blouse-y top and wear it every day to work with no pants. In hind sight, perhaps that would have been the better plan). So Kirstin is shopping and becoming exasperated with the lack of blouse-y tops when she spies a perfect candidate in Old Navy – elastic-y waist, blouse-y, cute, inexpensive – it fits all of the criteria. Problem is that it turns out the top is in the Old Navy MATERNITY section. This is not a top that is blouse-y to hide muffin tops it is blouse-y to hide BABIES. But Kirstin thinks, “same difference, I could totally fit half a baby into each of my muffin tops” and tries it on. Kirstin decides that the top doesn’t look TOO maternity and hides the muffin tops and she’s so sick of the mall that she’s about to hang herself from the string of a Canada Goose and so buys the top figuring she wants to have another kid someday so why not get a top that is useful now AND she can wear when she’s knocked up too? It’s the perfect plan.

The plan was NOT perfect. It was far from perfect. It was, in fact, terribly, terribly flawed because little did Kirstin expect that one of her coworkers would actually BE pregnant and would come to work on August 19th wearing the blouse-y top that Kirstin is ALSO wearing on August 19th and would screech “I knew I’d seen this top somewhere before!” and Kirstin would go all “er-uh-I-but-oh-muffintop-ack-oh-uh-is it hot in here?” and now have to live out the rest of this tedious day matching a pregnant lady and, I can only imagine, fielding questions about whether or not I’m pregnant and “well why the f*ck are you wearing a pregnant-lady shirt then?” DEAR LORD why? And what might be the worst part about it all is the pregnant lady is this tiny little Asian woman with a perfect beach-ball belly and she’s totally rocking the shirt and it looks way better on her. Oh, AND while running upstairs this morning to grab Julian some juice and throw him out the door at my mother so I could get to a doctor’s appointment I snagged the blouse-y part of my blouse-y top on SOME part of the door jamb and RIPPED the blouse-y and now it’s not even hiding my muffin top anymore but showcasing it through a big spy-hole and I may have to kill myself.


I heart Google August 12, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 4:26 pm

I didn’t get as many interesting searches for my weird bikini-waxing post as I thought I would. But I would like to share with you a few of the searches that have led people to this site in the past week:

1) pregnant blonde in short pants

What kind of weird fetish do YOU have, psycho?! AND besides, find me a very pregnant woman who looks hot provocatively bent over in a pair of hot pants and I’ll show you a woman that I would personally judo-chop in the throat if I ever met her in person.

2) are ringolos filling

Yes… yes they are. And heed my warning: consuming ringolos while pregnant and in short pants may cause Fetal Ringolo Syndrome. Babies born with extra-round orifices and a life-threatening allergy to powdered barbeque-flavouring

3) Peed pants

This one’s my favourite because I picture some poor little Edwin at work sitting at his desk having peed his pants and his first instinct is to push his glasses further up on his nose and then CALL ON THE INTERNET FOR HEEEEEEELP! “I’ll just type in ‘peed pants’ and the Google Overlords will tell me exactly what to do and how to get myself out of this awkward situation and no one will ever have to know…” Aw. Poor thing. My advice is to pour coffee directly on your crotch and then go around bemoaning the fact that you spilled coffee on your pants. Hopefully the coffee smell will overcome the pee smell. Good luck to you.

I’m sleepy. I may go take a nap in the nap room. C ya.


Stars and Stripes… And Naps August 11, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 9:44 am

Remember this post when I kind of bashed Americans but then tried to pretend I hadn’t bashed them and kissed their ass a little because America is all-powerful and scary? Well, I was thinking this weekend that although in many ways I do love the States (some of my very favourite things in the whole world come from there, i.e., Starbucks lattes and Johnny Depp) don’t you just imagine that the WHOLE WORLD watches the Olympics and cheers for everybody and anybody other than the Americans? That’s what I do. For some reason all my annoyance at anything American is carried on the shoulders of their Olympic athletes and I’ll find myself suddenly FAITHFULLY AND WHOLE HEARTEDLY COMMITTED TO THE COUNTRY OF BELIZE OMG I LOVE BELIZE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND I HOPE THEY WIN PLEASE GOD LET THEM WIN AT BADMINTON AND I’LL NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING ELSE I SWEAR! Funny.

Also, I thought of something else to add to my list:

I once got kicked out of a bar in Sydney, Australia, for being passed out on a banquette having not had a DROP OF ALCOHOL. I was just that tired. And the banquette was that comfy. So I lay down and had a little nap and next thing I knew a big surly dude was waking me up and telling me I had to beat it. It was really loud in there, too, so it’s a testament to just how easily and soundly I am able to sleep.

Oh! and on the topic of sleep here’s another one: I used to take daily naps at a previous job in the bathroom, sitting on the shitter using the toilet paper dispenser as a pillow. I had my pants up and everything so it wasn’t weird. And one day I fell asleep for a long time and when I woke up and it was, like, 5:30 and everyone had gone home so I just got up and left.


I’m gonna get get get you drunk… get you love drunk off my hump August 8, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 1:14 pm

I remember something I’ve been meaning to tell you, Internet! I heard THE funniest thing recently. Hmmm… how to begin this one? Okay, so I have two sisters-in-law. One is John’s sister (we’ll call her SIL “A”) and one is John’s brother’s wife (we’ll call her SIL “B”). SIL “B” lives in Korea and is here visiting for the summer with her two kids. Before she arrived SIL “A” called me to ask a bunch of questions about bikini waxing – Brazilian vs. regular, shapes, patterns, positions, etc. because I am a veritable wealth of information on the topic of personal hygiene and grooming. Then SIL “A” told me that when SIL “B” first arrived she was thinking of trying a bikini wax but she’d have to do it right away so it had time to grow back before she goes back home because it’s just against all the rules to do things like that in Korea.

So I was all, “Huh? What rules? And what part is so wrong? Is it the ‘having some old lady fiddling with your parts’ aspect of it? Or the violent ripping of such a sacred baby-making area? What?”

And SIL “A” said that NO even shaving was frowned upon because, like, all the mystical secrets of the universe are hidden in your bush and the bigger it is the more luck and prosperity you’ll have – basically the size of your bush is directly proportionate to the size of your cosmic windfall.

At which point I lost my sh*t and went completely “WHAT THE #*(&%#)Q@)@&%&()? THAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD!” and my mind started flashing through all the possibilities of stuffing your bikini area before entering a public pool and an entire Giant Muff Wig industry and I think I went a very long time without actually saying anything and just kind of humming and grunting.

And THEN SIL “A” interrupted my reverie to add that there’s this breed of extra teeny-tiny mice that are like the size of appleseeds and if you can get a family of them to nest in there and have babies your luck and prosperity grows even more. And if the muff-mice-babies are mostly MALE then you are considered a demi-goddess and you can sell one of your pubes for 10 million won or something crazy to someone whose more challenged in the bush-growing arena and they’ll put it in a silk purse over their front door to bring anyone who enters good luck and long life.

Okay, I totally made that last part up – the whole thing with the mice and selling your pubes – but the rest of it is TRUE I SWEAR!

So I told John that maybe I should try growing a big ol’ 70s bush to see if we win the lottery but he didn’t seem to think it was such a good idea.

And now I’m starting to wonder what kind of google searches are going to lead people to this post.

And now I’m just wondering how many Korean people I may offend with this post.

And now I’m wondering if anyone would notice if I stole the sandwich in the lunchroom fridge that looks sooo way better than the shitty leftovers I brought for lunch.



Bear-ly Tolerable Post With Worst Title EVER August 7, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 11:18 am

Whenever I hear a news story that involves an animal I ALWAYS take the animal’s side. Even if it was “freakish football-field-sized crocodile goes mad and wipes out entire town of smartest and friendliest people ever to exist” I would think, “Aw, poor freak crocodile was probably scared to death! Tsk tsk.” So this morning when I saw this story I was HORRIFIED. Like, this woman (who probably left her garbage out so it’s TOTALLY her fault) got mauled yada yada cry me a river, and the poor bear got pelted by rocks, hit with a broom, kicked in the face, finally said, “Alright, forget it – this meal isn’t worth all the humiliation” and took off (sounds like a very reasonable bear to me) and THEN they KILLED him. WTF? if anyone was going to get shot out of the whole scenario I would think it’s the lady . I mean, she was the one who was already compromised and was just going to take up space lying around in a hospital bed probably complaining about the food and how hard it is to be mauled by a bear, poooooooor me, ooooooowwwwwww my bear-bitten limbs hurt soooooo much and making some poor nurse look at her poop to see if it’s normal – who needs that?. Plus there are PLENTY of people to go around. Bears aren’t so common AND bears aren’t f*cking with the environment AND they’re soft and I’d much rather bury my face in a bear than in a middle-aged woman. They got this situation all kinds of messed up, yo.

But then, amidst my outrage I kinda had to laugh when I read the part by a neighbour who said, “I’m shocked. I’ve never seen a bear actually attacking before. Usually you just hear (of bears) in your garbage. (They) make a mess and then leave.” because I imagined a rowdy pack of teen-bears running up to a house, messing everything up, banging some garbage-can lids together and then running away again laughing and whooping and knocking over a garden gnome on the way.

But then I started thinking about how this is my second post on bears in the past few weeks and whether I harbour some hidden adoration of bears and maybe I should quit my job and become a professional Friend To All Things Bear and paint little bear figurines and sell them out of the trunk of my car and donate all the money to a bear party fund so that they have chips and and pop to snack on after a long night of garbage-messing and gnome-kicking.

And then I started thinking I should probably stop all this nonsense and have a snack myself. And do some WORK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN JUST DO SOME WORK ALREADY!

(I heart bears)


A List Of Things I Am Not Ashamed To Admit To The Internet August 6, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 5:22 pm

1) I’m not a real blonde. Well, I’m a real blonde but it’s a really dark, unattractive shade of blonde. More like a light brown or what some might refer to as “dirty blonde”. I do NOT like to refer to it as such because it suggest that my hair is unclean. Which it is. Frequently. But that’s not the reason it’s the colour that it is.

2) I have peed all over my bathroom floor (I was pregnant with Julian, throwing up into the toilet and the pee just couldn’t wait any longer) (is this one better without the explanation? Is it more interesting not to KNOW why I peed on the bathroom floor? Cuz I’ll take it out. You let me know, Internet).

3) I peed the bed once as an adult and NOT because I was pregnant but because I was drunk. That’s pretty drunk.

4) I stole a can of tuna from a grocery store the other day. I had a diaper bag in my cart and genuinely didn’t see the can of tuna when I was putting all my stuff on the conveyor belt but then I DID notice it and yet I didn’t put it on the conveyor belt I just left it and looked around whistling and getting ready to grab Jules and make a run for it if the check-out lady discovered that I was committing a heinous crime but she didn’t notice and so I took my bags and then beelined out of the grocery store. CAN OF TUNA – STOLEN! KA-CHING! But why? Why did I do this? A can of tuna costs what? …no seriously, what? I have no idea. $1? $2? WHAT!? For a can of tuna? That’s obscene. I’m stealing ALL my tuna from now on.

5) I feel very little shame while wearing short pants (a.k.a., shpants) having not shaved my legs in a very long time.

6) I have a habit of starting projects I don’t finish (please see my poor son’s blog that has been NEGLECTED for the past year or so. But seriously, if I was still in charge of taking pictures of him I think there would be a lot more to write about but the husband? Not so good with the picture taking. It’s all his fault and I revoke this entry from the list… Yet I will not add another one to the bottom of the list to make up for it because this list is ridiculous and getting very boring very quickly).

7) I once ate an entire tub of Hagen Daas ice cream in one sitting and I wasn’t pregnant nor was I drunk. I could do it again, too. Try me.

8 ) I occasionally talk to my own body parts out loud as if they are my friends (and by “occasionally” I mean all the time).

9) I am convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that my in-laws hate me and talk about me in front of my face in another language and may be plotting my death and thus I plan to LEARN this language and not tell them EVER that I have learned it so that I can hear all the things that are being said (and psych out any death plotting, naturally) and one day when we’re all very old I’ll confront them and deliver a KICK ASS speech, kind of like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction all, “AND I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE…” in perfect Korean and then I’ll laugh and taunt them and plot their deaths… ah who are we kidding? I’ll never learn Korean. I’ll start to learn it and then I’ll get bored and/or distracted (see #6 BEFORE it was revoked) and nothing will come of it… But they hate me. For sure.

10) I used to have recurring dreams about my teeth falling out, like ALL THE TIME but in writing this I suddenly realized that I haven’t had one of those dreams in a very very long time. Interesting. Blogs are CHEAPER THAN THERAPY PEOPLE AND THEY DO CURE ALL ILLS. I’m HEALED! BA GOLLY I CAN SEE! PRAISE THE LAWD!

This is ridiculous. I’m done with this list. C’mon feet, let’s go home.


This just in… August 5, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 9:43 am

Thursday was a guy’s last day here – we was leaving to “pursue other opportunities” (i.e., breeding alpacas in the foothills of the Andes. Or at least if I were going to mysteriously pursue other opportunities that’s what I’d tell everyone I was doing…) so they had a little shin-dig with booze & chips and that’s about as far as I got before I thought, “What the hell am I still doing here? I can GO HOME” and I left.

Well, enter Tuesday morning and what do I find when I go to the kitchen to deposit my lunch? A BARELY TOUCHED cake – the kind with the cheap, greasy icing that I love. HELL YA you better believe I ate 5-day-old cake for breakfast. This is shaping up to be a great 4-day week.


A Message from Davey & Goliath July 31, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — kirstyliz @ 4:11 pm

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, why is this blog so effing boring? Even for two church-going losers like us it’s gotten pretty boring. It’s never updated and when she does post it’s pretty incoherent.

DAVEY: Goliath, you know that God doesn’t like it when we say mean things about other people’s blogs. And especially since we’re standing right in front of the church you probably shouldn’t be pointing out how lame this blog is. Let’s sing Kumbaya instead…”

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, you’re almost as bad as this blog. Don’t be surprised if you find a steaming pile of dogshit on your bed tonight

DAVEY: Goliath! Is that any way to talk to your best friend?

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, don’t you know by now I was only hanging out with you to get on tv? I was hoping to parlay this into a leading role in something cool like a K-9 cop show or some kind of doggie-salon extreme makeover

DAVEY: Goliath. I can’t lie to you. I’m very hurt.

GOLIATH: Yeeeeaah, well, you know what? I’ve had enough of you, your f*cking hard hair and pants that are conspicuously flat in the front, I’ve had enough of God and church and singing and all this bullshit. And most of all I’ve had enough of this blog. Peace out loooooosers.

(goliath walks away)

DAVEY: I’m feeling a strange emotion. I’m not sure what it is. But I can feel it welling up inside me…

* * * * * *

DAVEY: You mutherf*cking cocksucking shithead god damn…

INNOCENT BLOND HAIRED KID: mmmmphrumphghdled HELP mmmrmpth