I remember something I’ve been meaning to tell you, Internet! I heard THE funniest thing recently. Hmmm… how to begin this one? Okay, so I have two sisters-in-law. One is John’s sister (we’ll call her SIL “A”) and one is John’s brother’s wife (we’ll call her SIL “B”). SIL “B” lives in Korea and is here visiting for the summer with her two kids. Before she arrived SIL “A” called me to ask a bunch of questions about bikini waxing – Brazilian vs. regular, shapes, patterns, positions, etc. because I am a veritable wealth of information on the topic of personal hygiene and grooming. Then SIL “A” told me that when SIL “B” first arrived she was thinking of trying a bikini wax but she’d have to do it right away so it had time to grow back before she goes back home because it’s just against all the rules to do things like that in Korea.
So I was all, “Huh? What rules? And what part is so wrong? Is it the ‘having some old lady fiddling with your parts’ aspect of it? Or the violent ripping of such a sacred baby-making area? What?”
And SIL “A” said that NO even shaving was frowned upon because, like, all the mystical secrets of the universe are hidden in your bush and the bigger it is the more luck and prosperity you’ll have – basically the size of your bush is directly proportionate to the size of your cosmic windfall.
At which point I lost my sh*t and went completely “WHAT THE #*(&%#)Q@)@&%&()? THAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD!” and my mind started flashing through all the possibilities of stuffing your bikini area before entering a public pool and an entire Giant Muff Wig industry and I think I went a very long time without actually saying anything and just kind of humming and grunting.
And THEN SIL “A” interrupted my reverie to add that there’s this breed of extra teeny-tiny mice that are like the size of appleseeds and if you can get a family of them to nest in there and have babies your luck and prosperity grows even more. And if the muff-mice-babies are mostly MALE then you are considered a demi-goddess and you can sell one of your pubes for 10 million won or something crazy to someone whose more challenged in the bush-growing arena and they’ll put it in a silk purse over their front door to bring anyone who enters good luck and long life.
Okay, I totally made that last part up – the whole thing with the mice and selling your pubes – but the rest of it is TRUE I SWEAR!
So I told John that maybe I should try growing a big ol’ 70s bush to see if we win the lottery but he didn’t seem to think it was such a good idea.
And now I’m starting to wonder what kind of google searches are going to lead people to this post.
And now I’m just wondering how many Korean people I may offend with this post.
And now I’m wondering if anyone would notice if I stole the sandwich in the lunchroom fridge that looks sooo way better than the shitty leftovers I brought for lunch.
WELCOME TO THE INTERNET, HAPPY HOME TO SANDWICH THIEVES AND EVERYTHING OFFENSIVE AND WEIRD.