A Message from Davey & Goliath July 31, 2008

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, why is this blog so effing boring? Even for two church-going losers like us it’s gotten pretty boring. It’s never updated and when she does post it’s pretty incoherent.

DAVEY: Goliath, you know that God doesn’t like it when we say mean things about other people’s blogs. And especially since we’re standing right in front of the church you probably shouldn’t be pointing out how lame this blog is. Let’s sing Kumbaya instead…”

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, you’re almost as bad as this blog. Don’t be surprised if you find a steaming pile of dogshit on your bed tonight

DAVEY: Goliath! Is that any way to talk to your best friend?

GOLIATH: Oh Day-vey, don’t you know by now I was only hanging out with you to get on tv? I was hoping to parlay this into a leading role in something cool like a K-9 cop show or some kind of doggie-salon extreme makeover

DAVEY: Goliath. I can’t lie to you. I’m very hurt.

GOLIATH: Yeeeeaah, well, you know what? I’ve had enough of you, your f*cking hard hair and pants that are conspicuously flat in the front, I’ve had enough of God and church and singing and all this bullshit. And most of all I’ve had enough of this blog. Peace out loooooosers.

(goliath walks away)

DAVEY: I’m feeling a strange emotion. I’m not sure what it is. But I can feel it welling up inside me…

* * * * * *

DAVEY: You mutherf*cking cocksucking shithead god damn…

INNOCENT BLOND HAIRED KID: mmmmphrumphghdled HELP mmmrmpth

The Weekend July 29, 2008

No update yesterday – sorry, I had to make up for the fact that I ditched my job last week like an ugly prom date by doing some “work” and stuff. Lots of important fake meetings and typing and pretend-filing… busy busy busy.

But I’m back! And how was the trip to Great Wolf Lodge you ask? Meh. It was alright. My GAWD was it ever American (I don’t mean that in a bad way… liiiiiike, American is good… Hip-hip-hooray, three cheers for America! Please don’t declare war on us America. We love you) but it was just loud and over the top and had singing mooses and bears and shit all over the place. Which, in actual fact, is pure genius cuz the kids would have spent the entire weekend listening to the talking, singing woodland creatures if we’d let them so those loud, over-the-top Americans do know a thing or two about entertaining kids.

We all slept in one big room together – to clarify that includes: me, my husband, my 2-yr-old, my sister-in-law, her 3-yr-old, my OTHER sister-in-law, her 4-yr-old and 7-yr-old and my mother in law. Ya, that’s a lotta people in one room. Oh, and did I mention the 3-year-old had a fever? And cried um pretty much the whole time? And my mother-in-law brought with her a rice cooker the size of hot-tub and we all huddled around it and ate meals for free in our room (no shit) (I’m sure it was against the rules of the hotel so shhhh don’t tell them or they’ll soooo sic a bounty-hunter raccoon or angry squirrel on us. It’s that kinda place)

Jules went on the little-people waterslides a few time but more than anything he really just wanted to splash around in the shallow water and I couldn’t help but feel haunted by the fact that we could have found the same level of entertainment at ANY PUBLIC PARK IN TORONTO WITH A WADING POOL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF FREE but whatever. Then we went to do a little cross-border shopping (some brands are wicked expensive in Korea, apparently, like Polo for example, and thus the sister-in-law from Korea went hog wild snatching up $20 polo shirts at the outlet mall like free Avent No-BPA sippy cups (did I ever mention this to y’all? Please pardon the digression: Avent was offering a promotion of 2 free sippy cups to anyone who called in between certain dates to make up for all the BPAs they’d been leaching to our babies over the past several years and I guess they grossly underestimated how kookoobananas mamas go over free shit and got waaaaay more people calling than expected but they still have to honour it and send us all our free stuff – suckas. Someone at Avent’s getting fired fer sure but meanwhile I have a Purolator package just waiting to be picked up. YEEEHAW FREE STUUUUUUFFF! BTW it does sooo make up for any BPAs Jules ingested heretofore. BPA-sphmeePA send me more stuff for freeeeee!) Anyhoo, where was I? Ah yes, the outlet mall. Have I mentioned that Julian’s turned into a bit of a crazy persona lately and is doing some very unpleasant things like throwing toys when he’s frustrated with them and hitting whatever is in his general vicinity when he gets angry? (it’s usually a wall or a table and it hurts him more than anything and thus I was hoping the problem would just kind of take care of itself but it seems toddlers, unlike lab rats, will continue to exhibit behaviours even when they have learned that said behaviours cause them immediate pain. Interesting) Ya so it’s nice. Good times. And I’m sending out Naughty Step passes like there’s no tomorrow and while we were in Old Navy Jules happened to get a little angry and HIT ME for the very first time and so I marched him out of the store and told him to sit against the Old Navy store window and not move and I walked a little ways away and sat on a bench and pretended to ignore him while he bawled and bawled but then people kept passing by and thinking he was lost and I had to shoo them off and explain that he was not lost just a bit of a dramatic toddler a**hole and he kept refusing to apologize and it took AGES for him to finally hyperventilate out an “I’m-hic-sorry-hic-for-hic-hitting-hic-you-hic-mommmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee” which was just as well because we had no money to spend on clothes in an outlet mall so it was kind of fun creating a dam into Old Navy by setting up the Naughty Step Tableau Picture Window…

Anyway, the weekend was full of:

1) lots of waterslides (YAY!)

2) lots of crying (BOO)

3) lots of happy, frolicking by Jules (YAY!)

4) lots of naughty steps and angry-mom-voice (BOO)

5) lots of eating of m&ms & Doritos (YAY!)

6) lots of running around in public in a bathing suit (BOO)

(this last was much harder on the general public than it was on me since I couldn’t actually see myself)

We did manage to spring for some winter jammies for Jules at Carter’s because they are my absolute favourite of all the fuzzy footie pajamas and will force Julian to wear them until he is 17 because no matter what he just looks so cute and little and cuddly while wearing them. In fact, I’ll force him into them when we get home even if it’s 35 degrees in our apartment and take a pic so you can all share in the cute-osity.

I want to eat a panda… is that wrong? July 23, 2008

Okay, so earlier today I got an email from one of my most hilarious friends who also tends to occasionally blindside me with a thought-provoking globally-responsible Forward (gawd, thinking about other people is so exhausting and stuff) so this one said something about China and Earthquake and Pandas and I thought “Fan-flimn-flamin-tastic, is this going to be pictures of devasated Panda families mourning the loss of their Panda relatives who, naturally, would be depicted in a bloody Panda massacre trapped under a fallen great wall or some Panda-loving crap?” and of course I opened it immediately and… oh my… what a pleasant surprise when it turned out to be…

This guy! All, “why ya gots ta get all up in my grill when I’m still lookin for closure on that whole earthquake fiasco?”

And these two who are just “*gasp* …omigod… *gasp* …solid ground… *gasp* …no quaking… *gasp* …thank f*cking god… hey, is that a rocking horse?”

Not to mention: “wwwwhhhhoooooaaaaa fellas, this your bamboo shoot? I-I-I just lookin fuh somethin ta eat post-quake ya know?”

Anyway, I’d forgotten just how cute Pandas really are and so because I think we’re just soooo effing hilarious I’ll share with you the email that came to pass between this particular friend and myself

HILARIOUS FRIEND: <<sends Panda email>>

KIRSTIN: Omg seriously, how did pandas get to be so cute? They must have sucked some serious evolutionary cock to get that cute

HILARIOUS FRIEND: they’re so cute because motherf*ckingnature had to attract us to them somehow… have you ever had a pandaburger? Can you say YUUUUMMMMMMMY?

KIRSTIN: I don’t know about no pandaburgers but I would KILL for some moo shu panda right now (they are Chinese you know) 

HILARIOUS FRIEND: You know what’s not all that far from China? India. I’m sooo going out for panda masala today at lunch

…and so on and so forth, you get the gist… wait, what was the point? I really don’t remember… and I’ve just realized that I’m a 30-something-year-old woman with a blog on which I post pics of cute fuzzy animals and I think that means I deserve to die in a blazing inferno… inside a walmart… wearing a Garfield sweatshirt…. If you’ll excuse me I have to go throw myself off my balcony onto a bed of knives and torches.

Uh-oh July 23, 2008

Only 10 minutes until I have to leave for an offsite meeting for the rest of the afternoon and I still have to squeeze in a blog because I promised, I PROMISED! (how excited am I for afternoon offsite? You know why? Why? What it is that overshadows my every move and hangs over my life like a blackcloud? that’s right – TIMESHEETS! An offsite for the afternoon is an easy few hours that I’m not going to have to otherwise account for in my timesheets)

SHIT! cab’s here already – forget the 10 minutes! I”ll try to log on later!

July 22, 2008

LAWD HAVE MERCY MY PUBLIC NEEEEEEEEEDS ME! You guys make me feel so loved and warm and fuzzy inside.

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Work actually got kinda busy… Alright, let’s truth it up: I had a mid-term review and there were a lot of crickets chirping and awkward pauses and then THIS happened:

MEAN ANGRY BOSS: Kirstin, why are you such a f*cking moron? Your job is not hard and yet you seem to be struggling to get your work done. Instead you spend an awful lot of time typing but we don’t know what you’re typing WHAT ARE YOU TYPING, WOMAN, WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

KIRSTIN: I’m…um… blogging.

MEAN ANGRY BOSS: …what is that, some kind of feminine problem?

KIRSTIN: uh, ya, ya that’s it – a feminine problem.

MEAN ANGRY BOSS: well, then take some midol or something, would you and start DOING SOME F*CKING WORK AROUND HERE BEFORE I CALL THE FEDS.

What? Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Ya, none of that actually happened. It was more like:

NICE FRIENDLY BOSS: Sooooooo, I think things are going well but there’s probably more you could be doing to expand the role, why don’t we come up with some ideas together.

KIRSTIN: You’re so nice me Friendly Boss. Thank you. In fact, you’re so nice that I feel bad for doing so much blogging during working hours. Maybe I’ll do some work for a while until I lose momentum again and then I’ll go back to full-time blogging.

NICE FRIENDLY BOSS: Sounds good, so let me tell you a funny little anecdote about getting pissed drunk with a particular blog-reader’s sister the other night…

Anyway, that’s the explanation. Plus we have the whole Ahn family visiting from Korea so you wouldn’t even begin to BELIEVE all the family outings I’ve been on in the past week – dinners, parties, informal get togethers – all of them with the same people and all of them involving 90% Korean-only conversation.

I’ve spent a lot of quality time inside my head while in the company of others lately.

But now here I am and… OH MY GOD, guess what? Great Wolf Lodge baby! We’re going on Thursday evening waterslideshereIcomewatchoutformeeeeeeeee! And we’ll ALL be speaking the international language of watery-slippery-splash-in-your-face adventure. And my mother in law’s not such a strong swimmer AND she’s soooo one of those people that would never let the water come within several inches of her middle-aged-ball-haircut hair while chillin in a swimming pool so maybe I’ll “accidentally” forget about the fact that she’s not a strong swimmer and pull a little “wheeeee! isn’t this fun? let’s rough-house” and push ‘er in the deep end just for kicks. WHAT? I’m soooo joking. I would never do that. Never. Well… NO never.

And then, in other not-so-happy news we’ve decreased our cable package to the basics (which actually includes almost every channel imaginable) but last night there was nothing on and so I was going to go to my default show – which is Jon & Kate Plus 8 which plays on TLC ALL DAY EVERY DAY DON’T YOU GUYS HAVE ANOTHER SHOW TO SHOW US, LIKE, EVER? And it turns out I don’t get TLC! What the hell? What are Jon & Kate going to do without my unwavering-when-there’s-nothing-else-on support?

And then in other very happy news they’re handing out big bags of Doritos at work today and I took 2 bags even tho I think it was common courtesy only to take one each and spread the wealth but f*ck those guys cuz these Doritos are MIIIIIIINE!

And then in other not-so-happy news one of the bags I stole and ripped into immediately was the new Doritos Collisions that includes 2 different flavours of Doritos, one of those being hot wings or some shit? And my mouth? right now? ON FIRE.

And then in other very happy news I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday morning and it’s already noon so I basically only have 2 days of working left this week and once you factor in the blogging and then lunchtimes it’s almost like I’m done right now (see? that’s the work ethic bosses look for).

And then in other not so happy news my keyboard is covered in bright orange Dorito powder and I’m a little worried that I’ve already used up my new keyboard quota for the month so I’d better hide it from the IT guys. Why? Why haven’t they learned by now to make keyboard-coloured Doritos for undercover snacking in the workplace? There’s a marketing idea just waiting to be discovered. I’m such an effing genius and my talents are being wasted I tell you.

Anyway, that’s all the nonsense I have to impart today. I’ll be back tomorrow, though, cuz who are we kidding about the whole “working hard” thing, anyway.

Hugs

P.S. If you do happen to click on the “Doritos Collisions” link that I’ve provided above… um… WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!? Some kind of exclusive chip review website? Hilarious. I came up with it by googling the product name because Doritos.com is WAAAAY too complex. It’s all interactive and scary. And I LERVE the internet, yo, so that’s sayin’ somethin’.

I fear we all have too much time on our hands – the chip reviewers and the Doritos marketers and me and this Dorito-centric postscript? It’s all a little ridiculous. I say, bring on the recession. Hell, make it a depression if you need to because we need some grit to show us what life is all about cuz I have a feeling it’s not about websites that are dedicated to rating chips (I’m happy to say that I will not be at all affected by the recession because I’ve already downgraded my cable and how much lower and grittier can it get?)

July 14, 2008

Hi Internet. Can’t talk. Gotta run. Went for lunch. So full. Can’t breathe. Love summerlicious. So much food, so little money. Will write tomorrow. Must. Finish. Timesheets.

July 11, 2008

Has anyone ever died of boredom? Like, just become so bored that they spontaneously stopped living? I think I’m playing with the boundaries of that question today. And too much time in the hands of someone such as myself is a dangerous thing. I have some multivitamins in my purse and I started thinking… what would happen if I tried to OD on vitamins? Would I just get really healthy? How many vitamins would I have to take before I passed out in a pool of my own vomit? And would it be considered quite as rock star to OD on vitamins versus… say… cocaine? Betacarotene. Rawk!

Oh fine.

I’ll stay alive because what would my two dedicated blog readers do without this WEALTH OF OCCASIONALLY MILDLY AMUSING ALWAYS USELESS WRITING TO ENTERTAIN THEM? I must think about my public.

It aint easy… July 9, 2008

Oh my god internet, this guy at work is SO random! He’s NUTS and I hate it but I’m kind of in love with it at the same time because I find it fascinating like you might find staring at a tumor fascinating. Same guy that asked me if I wore my cowboy hat to work every day? Ya that guy. I think he feels sorry for me because he’s noticed that I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I’m always just surfing the internet so he stops and tries to strike up conversations by saying the most loser-ific things because I guess he’s unaware that I’m totally at one with my lone-internet-surfing ways. He doesn’t get that I’m just biding him here, buddy, waiting for my pay cheque. I don’t need to be working hard and fumbling toward embolism like the rest of y’all. And as much as I complain about not having someone to eat lunch with, I seriously don’t really care if I go the entire day without saying a word to anyone. So, like, just now he stopped and said, “Any big important meetings?” and I looked at him with this look: “the hell, Butt Monkey?” but instead I said: “What, do you mean… for you?” like, are you asking me if you have any important meetings scheduled for this afternoon cuz if you think I’m your personal secretary then why haven’t you fired me by now cuz I don’t do ANYTHING FOR YOU EVER? Then he responded with, “No, no… just… for anybody.”

Silence.

Sooooo you’re asking me if anyone has any important meetings coming up because that’s the only thing that came into your head to say? Because you’re just nosey and think I have my finger on the pulse of the agency? Seriously. Me no comprende. If he just wants to make conversation how about trying “How’s it going Kirstin?” or “Are you totally excited for So You Think You Can Dance tonight?” or even “Wow, you spend a lot of time on the internet, don’t you?”

It’s really just so haaaard being me, Internet, what with all the shimmering perfection and knowing just the right thing to say in every situation ‘n’ all…

Silence.

Today Sucks Like A Dyson Vacuum July 8, 2008

This day started in the best possible way. I woke up with Julian rustling around beside me in bed (uhh – anyone who wants to lecture me on how I shouldn’t have my kid sleeping in bed with me can pick another day when I’m less likely to go all unabomber on my office and then we’ll talk) so Jules – rustling – then he pulled the covers up over his face and flung them back and shouted “SURPRISE MUMMEEEEEEEE!” and when I opened my eyes he was all cute and grinning at me with messy hair and it was just THE perfect moment and even though I was exhausted and kind of wanted to die just so that I could keep sleeping I could appreciate how blessed I am and how perfect my son is and… *sigh*.

I sooooo should have stayed there.

Since then it’s been downhill all the way. I got dressed and realized that I’m looking a little lumpier than I was a few weeks ago (i.e., time to go back on some sort of diet because eating Starbucks cookies every day twice a day isn’t agreeing with my waistline. GAWD it’s so UNFAIR. I’m just an innocent victimof the deliciousness of the cookies.  A VICTIM I TELL YOU). I did a full day’s worth of domestic duties before even leaving for work (folded a mountain of laundry, did breakfast dishes, wiped down kitchen, swept floor, made lunch, defrosted dinner and now I’m tired again just thinking about it) had a disturbing conversation with my husband in which he told me that if I really want to lose weight (because I may or may not have been saying something that may or may not have sounded like whining about something that may or may not have something to do with how lumpy I’m looking) I need to exercise and isn’t there a gym and shower at your work so you could do 30 minutes of cardio at lunch and then shower and don’t you always complain about not having anyone to have lunch with anyway and so it’s the perfect plan? Can you believe that? Like, ya I’d be getting exercise and not having to sacrifice time with Julian AND killing two birds with one stone because I’d be showering in the middle of the day and thus making my mornings less harried and it would solve the “no one to eat lunch with” issue but exercise? Seriously? You want me to sweat? at work? That’s so… so… not me (to clarify, it’s sensible and time-efficient and healthy and smart. See? Not me). I went downstairs and found that Jules had taken the wall calendar I bought yesterday and savagely ripped it in half. And that calendar RAWKED – it had all these fun cutesy-cute pictures of birthday cakes and smiley faces and it was supposed to help Julian start to learn the days of the week so he gets when Daddy leaves each week for pig school and when he comes back to try and alleviate the confusion. But now? Gone. Ripped. In half. So screw that – no calendar and happy “daddy’s coming home” messages for my kid. Anyway, still reeling from the whole exercise thing coupled with the calendar massacre I managed to blow dry and straighten my hair only to get on a streetcar that had obviously just finished a route to THE BURNING DEPTHS OF HELL and back because I’ve never been so hot in all my life and so by the time I got here my hair (an ongoing topic of whiney complaints in this blog, I’ve realized. How delightful for you) was a disaster and I shouldn’t have wasted my time and energy on it. I decided to drown all my sorrows in a coffee only to bring it back to my desk and spill it in a grandiose arm-sweeping extravaganza all over: 1) my desk; 2) my keyboard; 3) my awesome gel-filled ergonomic mouse pad; 4) my lap; 5) 2 new creative briefs that were sitting on my desk; 6) the floor; AND, lucky for me, much of the coffee managed to siphon itself directly off the edge of my desk in a perfect waterfall and into my open purse that was sitting on the floor below. I cleaned it all up but everything’s still sticky and stinks like stale coffee, including my crotch. Then my mouse stopped working and so I innocently knocked on the door of the IT guys and said in my sweetest voice, “Um, excuse me, I seem to be having some trouble with my mouse” (is it just me or does that sound kinda dirty?) and one of the guys came over, fiddled for a second and said, “Did you spill something on your keyboard?” I admitted that I may have accidentally spilled a teeny-tiny bit of something resembling a substance not all that different from coffee onto a corner of my keyboard. He ripped the keyboard out and promptly dumped it in the garbage with a KERSWOOSH that was heard around the world. Jeez. Talk about tough love. I wonder if he’s really that good at his job or if he could just smell my stale-coffee-crotch and put 2 and 2 together?

Anyway, since then I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself and trying to decide if exercising at lunch really is an option.  Ew. I think for even considering it I totally deserve a celebration cookie.

July 4, 2008

You guessed it! I’m back. STILL no Outlook but now I’m starting to relax into it a little. I’m getting used to not being able to communicate with the world except through the sweet strains of my Rhapsody In Blog.

Oy. Sorry Gershwin.

Anyway, just wanted to report two very important things:

1) on the website referenced in my last post that pimps wares to emergency service professionals there’s a tab for “gifts” and under gifts there’s a link to “Great Holiday Gift Ideas” and under Great Holiday Gift Ideas there’s “Evidence Storage Bags and Tape”… Yes. Let’s go over that one more time: Evidence Storage Bags and Tape. Cause nothing says Christmas like a body bag, yo.

Little Cindy: “Mommy, what did Santy put under the tree for Daddy?”

Mommy: “That’s a body bag, sweety. That’s where Daddy puts the swollen rotting remains of the          corpses he tosses around at work. Maybe if you’re a really good girl Santa will bring you a body bag next year…”

2) it has struck me what a fine line there is between cop and criminal when one of the tools they’re selling for police officers (right below the Multi-Purpose Car Opener Set With Wedge) is something called the Pro-Loc E-Z Picking Manual. Like, maybe if you didn’t publish a manual and sell it all over the internet the criminals wouldn’t have somewhere to study up on how to perform the crime, knuckleheads.

Still an hour left so I’ll probably be back. Peace out.