Wow.
Like, wow.
I couldn’t even blog last night – my fingers were too relaxed to type and I couldn’t keep my eyes open and then fell asleep putting Jules to bed at 8:30 and slept until 7:30 this morning. I guess Jules must have received some of my green tea/voodoo/sea salty goodness through our mother/son bond and he, too, was zen enough to sleep for 11 effing hours. That was the cherry on the top of a perfect day.
But for those of you who’ve been waiting on the edge of your seats to find out how my day in the puddles went (so, uh, essentially, the one person who was there with me) here’s how it went down:
10:30 – Tarra and Kirstin meet at GO station, squeal like little girls, jump up and down hugging and attracting the attention of commuters. We tell them to eff off and mind their own business and “I bet your boss would be interested to know you’re just getting here at 10:30 jackass” (…are you kiddin me? We didn’t really go that far – this is our day of zen, people, and do we really want it to begin fending off the attacks of angry commuters with our mad kung-fu skillz? Nuh-uh. We let them gawk and we continued to squeal and that was that).
10:45 – Tarra and Kirstin arrive at Starbucks, stand in line wearing sweats alongside people in suits and talk openly about sex (cuz we waste no time, yo. We skip straight to the good stuff) while the suits talk about corporate-nasdaq-exchange-trading-snore-hang on, stop talking cuz those ladies just said the word “clit”.
10:55 – Tarra and Kirstin stop at a park across the street from Body Blitz to finish their coffees and special treats and befriend a cute but scruffy little bird. We throw our new friend a crumb of special treat and then run screaming from the park when our new little friend SELLS US OUT and a swarm of angry, hungry street birds go on the offensive.
11:00 – Arrive at Body Blitz and are given a health/consent form to fill out. Being true to our jackass natures our forms include such answers as “OVERALL HEALTH: physical? good; mental? questionable”; “OCCUPATION: mom, wife, maid, chef, pool girl, mental patient”; and my personal favourite, under a checklist of what areas of your body you tend to get the most pain they posed the question “WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY COMPLAINT?” answer “My husband”. HA – that’s good schtick.
11:05 – Tarra & Kirstin read & reluctantly sign “consent” portion of form which means we’ve signed away our right to engage in physical affection but can’t help but wonder what the hell’s the point of a first date if there’s no hope of gettin’ some?
11:10 – Tour of the facility begins. Body Blitz employee whistles “amateurs” under her breath when Kirstin and Tarra are driven to the point of squeals once more to see that the showers include complimentary shampoo.
11:15 – We proceed into the “waters room”. Silence ensues. Tarra finally manages to stammer that “this is what heaven must look like”. The Body Blitz employee now finds our amateur status endearing.
11:17 – Kirstin and Tarra are left alone in the dressing room and laugh hysterically because in the first few minutes of being here we’ve already seen old lady bush and old lady ass. It’s people like us who make “clothing optional” trying at times and make me question whether I’m truly a 33 year old woman or a 12 year old boy trapped in the body of a 33 year old woman.
11:20 – Tarra and Kirstin start their “water cycle” in the warm sea salt pool and are nearly brought to orgasm just from sitting and relaxing in the idyllic setting (complete with little waterfalls, dim lighting and spa smell). See? Maybe we don’t need physical affection after all to make this a satisfying date… and the water jets certainly aren’t hurting the situation.
Water cycle continues. It goes something like this: 1) Warm sea salt whirl pool (oh, where we were brought our detoxifying fruity shakes to sip while we relaxed) 2) eucalyptus steam room (which kinda made us feel like our lungs were burning… and I usually like steam rooms so this was totally a steam room on crack) 3) rinsing shower 4) plunge in cold pool (definitely the least deluxe of all the therapies is the cold plunge… but it does make for some entertaining boob-watching as the ladies tended to run up and down the stairs to the pool. AH ha ha… seriously, what’s wrong with me?) 5) infrared sauna 6) rinsing shower 7) lie on the loungers around the edge of the pool to “relax your body” (for Tarra and Kirstin “relax your body” means “read trashy magazines that you’ve snuck into the facility”) 8 ) hot green tea pool 9) cold plunge 10) rinsing shower… and I think that’s the end of the circuit. After we’d finished we did another stint in the warm sea salt and another stint in the sauna and then we hit the showers. The only thing that made it bearable to leave the heavenly waters was how psyched we were about the free shampoo.
We headed out and vowed we would be back (provided we haven’t been banned) and next time we’re going to spend even longer there and get a mud wrap or something cuz the only thing that beats lounging in a watery heaven is lounging in a watery heaven and then having some strong, capable hands rub mud & seaweed all over your naked bod. Humena-humena.
It was the best day ever and I haven’t even remotely done it justice in this description so if you’re in the GTA and don’t have a penis you just have to go there and check it out for yourself. It’s so nice. And if you need someone to keep you entertained while you’re there Tarra and I are happy to come and play with you (as long as you pay for us and supply us with a steady stream of detoxifying juicy drinks). Hell, throw in a mud wrap and I’ll even go all ‘clothing optional’ for you and run in and out of the cold plunge pool.
